Genesis 12-15

I have two tests tomorrow, but I’ve reached a point where I need a study break. So, I’m going to get ahead in my reading. Aren’t you excited?

Chapter 12- God tells Abram, Sarai and Lot to move. They go to Egypt. Abram tells the Egyptians that Sarai is his sister. Pharaoh thinks she’s a cutie and takes her home. God punishes Pharaoh.

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Hey mister, she’s my sister.

This story baffles me. At first glance, it kinda makes sense. Sarai is a hottie! Abram thinks the Egyptians will kill him so they can have her for themselves, so he asks her to lie and say she’s his sister so they won’t kill him. I can play along for that part.

When Pharaoh sees what a pretty single lady she is, he commands her to go home with him. In exchange, Abram receives sheep, oxen, male donkeys, male and female servants, female donkeys and camels. Abram pimped out his wife for animals and slaves! He knew the Egyptians would take his wife/sister regardless of who they thought she was, and instead of avoiding Egypt, or standing up to Egyptians, or being killed, he becomes a pimp.

And God doesn’t like it. But God isn’t mad at Abram for lying or for being a pimp. No, he’s mad at Pharaoh for taking home a woman he thought was single. God “plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai, Abram’s wife.” Clearly, lying and pimping aren’t the sins here. Dating a married woman you don’t know is married, though? Total sin.

Pharaoh figures out what’s going on and says “What is this you have done to me? Why did you not tell me that she was your wife? Why did you say ‘she is my sister’? I might have taken her as my wife. Now therefore, here is your wife; take her and go your way.”

After being deceived, then plagued, he still lets Abram leave with his life and his wife! I wonder if Pharaoh really would have killed Abram if he knew up front he was her husband. I’m beginning to think Abram was just gaming the system a little. So remember kids, being a husband may or may not get you killed. Being a lying pimp will increase your riches and get you sent merrily on your way. I’m learning such valuable moral lessons from the Bible!

Chapter 13- Abram and Lot are rich. They decide “this town ain’t big enough for the two of us” so Abram gives Lot his pick of land. Lot moves to Sodom. God tells Abram that everything else will be his.

See, Abram got super rich from pimping out Sarai! Like, filthy stinking rich with silver, gold, flocks and herds of livestock, servants, and tents. Lying works sometimes.

I don’t foresee this ending well for Lot, though.

Chapter 14- There’s war! Sodom and their allies don’t do so well, and Lot is taken captive. Abram jumps in with his servants and allies and gets Lot and all Lot’s stuff back. The king of Sodom is impressed and offers to make Abram even richer. Abram turns it down.

It’s interesting how Abram turns it down: “I have raised my hand to the Lord, God Most High, the Possessor of heaven and earth, that I will take nothing, from a thread to a sandal strap, and that I will not take anything that is yours, lest you should say, ‘I have made Abram rich’ except only what the young men have eaten and the portion of the young men that are with me; Aner, Eshcol, and Mamre, let them take their portion.”

Abram didn’t complain when Pharaoh was making him rich, but now he has qualms? It’s easy to look down your nose at dirty money when you’re already rich, I guess. Except, hey, why don’t you let my buddies keep their spoils? That’d be alright.

Chapter 15- Abram is upset he doesn’t have children (specifically a male heir). God promises to make his descendents as numerous as the stars. Abram has a weird vision.

Verse 4, God promises Abram an heir “who will come from your own body.” In my mind, I pictured an old man with a big beard and a pregnant belly.

This vision that Abram has is strange. Abram wants a sign that he really will have lots of descendents so God asks him to bring “a three year old heifer, a three year old female goat, a three year old ram, a turtledove and a young pigeon.” Abram gets them, cuts them in half (except the birds), places the halves by each other, keeps the vulture off all day, then falls into a deep sleep when night comes. God says to Abram that he will have lots of descendents, but they’ll be slaves for a while until they eventually get free and rich. Then an oven and burning torch appear between the animal pieces. Strangest secret handshake ever.

That’s all for now, folks. I think I might go watch Rent.

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About Essential Everyday Pineapple

Crazy cat lady extraordinaire, liberal, atheist, feminist, vegetarian, engineering student with an art degree. Essential Everyday Pineapple is just a phrase from a random word generator that had a nice ring to it. What? Blog names are tough.
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